Why are you so nice to me?

By mid-November, hardly a day passed that I wasn't at Jeff's apartment or he wasn't at mine. I enjoyed having someone to cook for, and he seemed to enjoy my cooking, so we frequently met up for dinner and then found things to do until our 12 am curfew.

One night Jeff had to take a test so I made up some dinner and waited for him to join me. Around 6 o'clock the doorbell rang. My roommates were all home and we were being giggly and giddy as 19-year-old girls are prone to be. I was in a silly mood, so I skipped to the door and swung it wide open.

"Hey you. Welcome to my lair." I tried to be seductive, but it backfired and I ended up in a fresh state of laughter. I quickly turned my back on Jeff and walked to the kitchen to dish up some food, not noticing that he didn't even crack a smile at my foolishness. "Are you hungry?" I asked, facing the stove.

"Not really."
"...Oh." Hmm, I had been planning on us eating dinner together, so this threw a kink in my plans. I didn't stop to wonder why he wasn't hungry. "Are you sure? I made plenty."
"No, really. But you go ahead."

Wierd, I thought, but oh well. I dished myself up some chicken pasta and sat at the table. "So, how did your test go?" I asked through a mouthful of noodles.
"Not so great."
"Really? Oh bummer. I'm sorry." I shoved another forkful into my mouth. I still didn't think much of his countenance. It didn't take much for me to get depressed over a test; anything under a 94 had me moping for at least a day. So when other people said they didn't do well, I figured they had scored in the low-but-passing range. Ten minutes later I had finished my dinner and Jeff still hadn't said a word other than curt answers to my prodding. At that point I began to sense that maybe he really was worked up over this test. I decided to do what I could to cheer him up.

"I don't have much to do tonight. What would you like to do?"
"Drive around and listen to loud music." Yup, definitely depressed.
"Ok. I have to go pick up some things from my brother. Should we let our loud music driving lead us over there?"
"Sounds fine."

I had never seen Jeff so silent and brooding. I tried to make small talk but he wasn't contributing much so eventually I gave up. We drove to my brother's apartment in silence. I ran up to grab my things while he waited in the car. When I returned, he backed out of the complex and started driving towards the mountains. "Where are we going?" I asked as non-confrontationally as possible. His mood reminded me of Eeyore, and I was sure a little black raincloud was going to be overhead at any moment.

"I dunno."

I sucked in my breath and didn't say another word. Jeff pulled into a parking lot near the mouth of a small canyon. He got out and I followed. We walked a short ways up a path and sat down on a large boulder. It was cold, and I scooted closer to him to share body heat. I could feel his body relax as we sat there under the stars. After what felt like hours, when I thought it was safe, I asked what he was thinking.

"I like to think about the whys of life."
Oh boy, I thought. This is going to be deep.
"Why is life so hard sometimes and other times it is so easy? Why are these rocks so beautiful when they're just, well, ... rocks?"
Wow, this guy is really intense. I'm not sure how to respond. Is he looking for an answer? I think those were rhetorical questions. Does he really think these rocks are beautiful? Boy, do we have different tastes in scenery.
Jeff's next question interrupted my thoughts: "Why are you so nice to me?"

Suddenly I realized this conversation was taking a new direction. I took a deep breath, then turned my face ever so flirtatiously towards him and gave him the answer he was looking for: "Because I like you."
"That's funny."
"Why?"
"Because I like you, too."

I couldn't stop a grin from forming at his words. I leaned into his side and he put his arm around me. For a second we sat like that, hardly moving. I wouldn't say I was very experienced when it came to boys, but I knew that with a few slight movements I could get him to kiss me. Up until this moment, everything I had done in our relationship had been to get us to this point. I had encouraged his attention, I'd laughed at his jokes, I'd interrogated him about his interests and passions, all hoping that he would like me in return. But now that I sat moments away from our first kiss, I wasn't sure that I wanted it. I still felt very attached to the missionary that had left only 6 months earlier. There was a part of me that felt guilty for letting things go so far with Jeff. It wasn't fair to him. He didn't even know about the missionary.

But then there was that other part of me. The part that tilted my head back and batted my eyelashes and welcomed Jeff's kiss with open arms. The part that won. Momentarily, at least. Within seconds of our first kiss, the other part of me collapsed into a crying mess. Perfect, I thought. He kisses you and you start to cry. This is a great start. If you don't tell him why you're crying he's going to think you don't like him. I guess it's time to come clean.

Jeff apologized, over and over, though I'm sure he had no idea why he was apologizing. He asked what was wrong, but I waited until we were back in the car to tell him. I tried to keep things as brief as possible. He didn't need details. I explained to him that I had dated a guy for a while, then he had left on a mission. It wasn't an uncommon story in those parts. He nodded, then let me know that he was ok with whatever I wanted to do. If we needed to take it slower, that was fine. If this wasn't going to work out, then he understood. I couldn't believe how selfless he was being. I didn't know what was going to happen, but I knew I wasn't ready to let him go just yet. So I let him know that in the only way I knew how: I leaned over the center armrest and kissed him. He pulled back and watched, to see, I'm sure, if I was going to cry again. When he saw I was smiling, he smiled and kissed me back.

My relationship with Jeff had reached the next level. This made things officially complicated.

But I would worry about that another day.