By mid-November, hardly a day passed that I wasn't at Jeff's apartment or he wasn't at mine. I enjoyed having someone to cook for, and he seemed to enjoy my cooking, so we frequently met up for dinner and then found things to do until our 12 am curfew.
One night Jeff had to take a test so I made up some dinner and waited for him to join me. Around 6 o'clock the doorbell rang. My roommates were all home and we were being giggly and giddy as 19-year-old girls are prone to be. I was in a silly mood, so I skipped to the door and swung it wide open.
"Hey you. Welcome to my lair." I tried to be seductive, but it backfired and I ended up in a fresh state of laughter. I quickly turned my back on Jeff and walked to the kitchen to dish up some food, not noticing that he didn't even crack a smile at my foolishness. "Are you hungry?" I asked, facing the stove.
"Not really."
"...Oh." Hmm, I had been planning on us eating dinner together, so this threw a kink in my plans. I didn't stop to wonder why he wasn't hungry. "Are you sure? I made plenty."
"No, really. But you go ahead."
Wierd, I thought, but oh well. I dished myself up some chicken pasta and sat at the table. "So, how did your test go?" I asked through a mouthful of noodles.
"Not so great."
"Really? Oh bummer. I'm sorry." I shoved another forkful into my mouth. I still didn't think much of his countenance. It didn't take much for me to get depressed over a test; anything under a 94 had me moping for at least a day. So when other people said they didn't do well, I figured they had scored in the low-but-passing range. Ten minutes later I had finished my dinner and Jeff still hadn't said a word other than curt answers to my prodding. At that point I began to sense that maybe he really was worked up over this test. I decided to do what I could to cheer him up.
"I don't have much to do tonight. What would you like to do?"
"Drive around and listen to loud music." Yup, definitely depressed.
"Ok. I have to go pick up some things from my brother. Should we let our loud music driving lead us over there?"
"Sounds fine."
I had never seen Jeff so silent and brooding. I tried to make small talk but he wasn't contributing much so eventually I gave up. We drove to my brother's apartment in silence. I ran up to grab my things while he waited in the car. When I returned, he backed out of the complex and started driving towards the mountains. "Where are we going?" I asked as non-confrontationally as possible. His mood reminded me of Eeyore, and I was sure a little black raincloud was going to be overhead at any moment.
"I dunno."
I sucked in my breath and didn't say another word. Jeff pulled into a parking lot near the mouth of a small canyon. He got out and I followed. We walked a short ways up a path and sat down on a large boulder. It was cold, and I scooted closer to him to share body heat. I could feel his body relax as we sat there under the stars. After what felt like hours, when I thought it was safe, I asked what he was thinking.
"I like to think about the whys of life."
Oh boy, I thought. This is going to be deep.
"Why is life so hard sometimes and other times it is so easy? Why are these rocks so beautiful when they're just, well, ... rocks?"
Wow, this guy is really intense. I'm not sure how to respond. Is he looking for an answer? I think those were rhetorical questions. Does he really think these rocks are beautiful? Boy, do we have different tastes in scenery.
Jeff's next question interrupted my thoughts: "Why are you so nice to me?"
Suddenly I realized this conversation was taking a new direction. I took a deep breath, then turned my face ever so flirtatiously towards him and gave him the answer he was looking for: "Because I like you."
"That's funny."
"Why?"
"Because I like you, too."
I couldn't stop a grin from forming at his words. I leaned into his side and he put his arm around me. For a second we sat like that, hardly moving. I wouldn't say I was very experienced when it came to boys, but I knew that with a few slight movements I could get him to kiss me. Up until this moment, everything I had done in our relationship had been to get us to this point. I had encouraged his attention, I'd laughed at his jokes, I'd interrogated him about his interests and passions, all hoping that he would like me in return. But now that I sat moments away from our first kiss, I wasn't sure that I wanted it. I still felt very attached to the missionary that had left only 6 months earlier. There was a part of me that felt guilty for letting things go so far with Jeff. It wasn't fair to him. He didn't even know about the missionary.
But then there was that other part of me. The part that tilted my head back and batted my eyelashes and welcomed Jeff's kiss with open arms. The part that won. Momentarily, at least. Within seconds of our first kiss, the other part of me collapsed into a crying mess. Perfect, I thought. He kisses you and you start to cry. This is a great start. If you don't tell him why you're crying he's going to think you don't like him. I guess it's time to come clean.
Jeff apologized, over and over, though I'm sure he had no idea why he was apologizing. He asked what was wrong, but I waited until we were back in the car to tell him. I tried to keep things as brief as possible. He didn't need details. I explained to him that I had dated a guy for a while, then he had left on a mission. It wasn't an uncommon story in those parts. He nodded, then let me know that he was ok with whatever I wanted to do. If we needed to take it slower, that was fine. If this wasn't going to work out, then he understood. I couldn't believe how selfless he was being. I didn't know what was going to happen, but I knew I wasn't ready to let him go just yet. So I let him know that in the only way I knew how: I leaned over the center armrest and kissed him. He pulled back and watched, to see, I'm sure, if I was going to cry again. When he saw I was smiling, he smiled and kissed me back.
My relationship with Jeff had reached the next level. This made things officially complicated.
But I would worry about that another day.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
"Dating"
The weeks following Halloween, Jeff and I often found ourselves at each other's apartments and meeting up on campus. We found that one of my classes was next to his, so he would wait for me and we would spend the 10 minute passing period shivering in the cold and talking about nothing in particular. Friends and colleagues would see us standing there in the snow, laughing together and standing closer than necessary. They began to ask questions, to which I would shrug and say, "We'll see," with a huge grin that I couldn't seem to keep inside.
My texting skills improved every day and I began to let my note-taking slide as I spent entire class periods sending messages to Jeff and receiving them back. Once he sent me a message saying that a girl in his public speaking class had asked him on a date. Since we hadn't had a DTR yet (Define The Relationship... honestly, people, learn your acronyms), I wasn't sure how to respond to this fact. I suppose he could go with her if he wanted to. Yes, I would feel a bit betrayed by it, but I hadn't laid any claims on Jeff and until I did he was free to go out with whoever he wanted. Ignoring my chemistry lecture, I scrambled on my cell phone keys and replied.
Me: well, are you going?
Jeff: no
Me: why not?
Jeff: i told her i couldn't
Me: why not?
Jeff: b/c i was dating someone else
Me: i didn't know you were dating anyone
[I chuckled as I sent this one. I thought I was so funny.]
Jeff: i was talking about you
Jeff: funny girl
Me: oh, right
Me: is that what we're doing?
[long wait for the next message]
Jeff: if you have to ask, i'm not doing a very good job
The bell rang shortly after I read his reply. I bent over to put my notebook in my backpack, hoping no one would notice my flushed face. The rest of the day, I let his words replay over and over again. Funny how I could hear him saying the words even though they had never been said aloud. I wondered how I was going to pass any of my classes this semester given this rate of concentration.
That evening I hurried home, hoping I might receive a call or text from Jeff inviting me over than night. The days were getting shorter, and I wanted to get home before dark. I made my way from the Talmage building to the library, passing through every building I could to stay warm. From the library I cut across the quad and through the Wilkinson Center, then headed south along a campus road toward my apartment. I glanced at the phone in my hand to make sure I hadn't missed a call. Nothing. I was still looking at my phone when I put my key in the lock and opened the door. If I hadn't dropped my keychain, I probably wouldn't have noticed the wrapped bunch of daisies sitting on my doorstep.
Daisies? They probably weren't for me, but my heart skipped a beat and I knew they had to be. I looked around to see if the deliverer was still around, but I was alone. Hesitantly, I picked them up and stepped inside. Cautiously, I turned the bouquet around, looking for a note or card of some kind. Tucked deep inside the mass of white petals, I found what I was looking for. It didn't say much, but my name was on it and I recognized Jeff's handwriting.
Feeling a thanks was due, I flipped open my phone and punched the keys:
thx for the flowers
While I waited for a response I took my coat off, heated up some leftovers, and pulled up my email. When my phone played its text jingle, I smiled in spite of myself. I read:
ur welcome. want to come watch a movie?
In one fluid motion I shut my computer, tossed my dishes in the sink, grabbed my coat, and sent a reply.
b right there
I didn't even bother to leave a note for my roommates. They knew how to find me. Finally, it was my turn to be gone every night. And I was loving it.
My texting skills improved every day and I began to let my note-taking slide as I spent entire class periods sending messages to Jeff and receiving them back. Once he sent me a message saying that a girl in his public speaking class had asked him on a date. Since we hadn't had a DTR yet (Define The Relationship... honestly, people, learn your acronyms), I wasn't sure how to respond to this fact. I suppose he could go with her if he wanted to. Yes, I would feel a bit betrayed by it, but I hadn't laid any claims on Jeff and until I did he was free to go out with whoever he wanted. Ignoring my chemistry lecture, I scrambled on my cell phone keys and replied.
Me: well, are you going?
Jeff: no
Me: why not?
Jeff: i told her i couldn't
Me: why not?
Jeff: b/c i was dating someone else
Me: i didn't know you were dating anyone
[I chuckled as I sent this one. I thought I was so funny.]
Jeff: i was talking about you
Jeff: funny girl
Me: oh, right
Me: is that what we're doing?
[long wait for the next message]
Jeff: if you have to ask, i'm not doing a very good job
The bell rang shortly after I read his reply. I bent over to put my notebook in my backpack, hoping no one would notice my flushed face. The rest of the day, I let his words replay over and over again. Funny how I could hear him saying the words even though they had never been said aloud. I wondered how I was going to pass any of my classes this semester given this rate of concentration.
That evening I hurried home, hoping I might receive a call or text from Jeff inviting me over than night. The days were getting shorter, and I wanted to get home before dark. I made my way from the Talmage building to the library, passing through every building I could to stay warm. From the library I cut across the quad and through the Wilkinson Center, then headed south along a campus road toward my apartment. I glanced at the phone in my hand to make sure I hadn't missed a call. Nothing. I was still looking at my phone when I put my key in the lock and opened the door. If I hadn't dropped my keychain, I probably wouldn't have noticed the wrapped bunch of daisies sitting on my doorstep.
Daisies? They probably weren't for me, but my heart skipped a beat and I knew they had to be. I looked around to see if the deliverer was still around, but I was alone. Hesitantly, I picked them up and stepped inside. Cautiously, I turned the bouquet around, looking for a note or card of some kind. Tucked deep inside the mass of white petals, I found what I was looking for. It didn't say much, but my name was on it and I recognized Jeff's handwriting.
Feeling a thanks was due, I flipped open my phone and punched the keys:
thx for the flowers
While I waited for a response I took my coat off, heated up some leftovers, and pulled up my email. When my phone played its text jingle, I smiled in spite of myself. I read:
ur welcome. want to come watch a movie?
In one fluid motion I shut my computer, tossed my dishes in the sink, grabbed my coat, and sent a reply.
b right there
I didn't even bother to leave a note for my roommates. They knew how to find me. Finally, it was my turn to be gone every night. And I was loving it.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Halloween
After much deliberation, my apartment decided we would all go to the ward Halloween party/dance as jukebox girls. We made our poodle skirts the week before, tediously hand appliqueing on the poodles and sequin leashes. That night I spent an outrageous amount of time straightening my hair and trying on 14 different shirts and shoes before I came up with the final ensemble.
We went to dinner with some friends and then made our way to the stake center that would host the dance. We arrived early because my roommate was chair of the activities committee and we had been volunteered to help decorate. As we hung streamers and laid out refreshments, I kept a watch on the door, waiting for someone of interest to arrive.
Just as the lights dimmed and the music started playing, I saw boy #2 walk in. I waved and he waved back. Pretending I didn't care one way or another whether he came my way, I turned back to the dance floor and tried to look as coordinated as possible. A few minutes later, the first slow song came through the speakers and I heard his voice behind me. My hands felt clammy and I hoped he wouldn't notice my face starting to glisten as we picked a spot near the center of the cultural hall.
Awkward small talk ensued as we slowly paced back and forth to some cheesy ballad. I studied his movements, trying to tell if he was being nice to me out of friendship, sympathy, or real interest. It was difficult to say, especially since I didn't even know my own feelings towards him. Was I really interested in him as a person? Or was I merely falling prey to the attention? Before I knew it, the song was over and I was left alone on the dance floor with only my mixed up emotions as company.
I scanned the crowd for a familiar face. I hated standing alone in the middle of couples dancing. It seemed everyone I knew was partnered up, so I began the long walk towards the chairs lining the wall. I took a seat and tried not to look like the pathetic, lonely wall flower that I was. It was then, in this state of self-conscious anxiety, that I saw him. He was dressed in tight jeans, a striped button-down shirt, a black ten-gallon hat, and a large, shiny, brass belt buckle. Yep, Jeff was a cowboy.
His two roommates were also decked out in Western garb. They stood just beside him across the room from me. I started to smile but ended up scowling instead as I noticed the fourth member of their group. Did he really bring a girl with him? The nerve! He can't possibly be dating anyone since he just took me out LAST WEEK. Which means she is either just a friend or his new interest, both of which are entirely inappropriate to bring to OUR ward party. My doubts from earlier that week resurfaced as I watched Jeff interact with the new girl. He grabbed her hand and they began dancing even though the song was halfway over. I closed my eyes and prayed this DJ was one of those who never played more than two slow songs back to back.
The song ended and I watched as Jeff and his friend walked my way.
Oh heavens, please spare me.
"Hi Carly. I didn't see you sitting over here."
Sure you didn't.
"Hey Jeff. Yup, I've just been waiting for these lame slow songs to end so we can really get this party started."
I can't believe I just said that. He's going to see straight through me. I'm going to go crawl in a hole now.
As if things couldn't get worse, Jeff then introduced his friend to me. The girl. Turns out he knew her from high school. I put on my sweetest sugary smile.
"Hi! It's nice to meet one of Jeff's old friends. He hasn't told me much about what he was like before his mission. Maybe you can fill me in..."
That's right. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
The girl and I ended up spending a good fifteen minutes sitting against the wall, getting to know one another. If she hadn't been the competition, I probably would have liked her. She was friendly and personable. I could see why Jeff was friends with her. And why he maybe wanted her to be something more.
As we were sitting there, I spotted Jeff coming back towards us. I felt my stomach do a belly flop and goosebumps run up and down my arms.
"Hey girls. Having fun?"
"You betcha!" I replied, a little too enthusiastically.
"Good. Well, I think it's time you take a break from sitting." He put his hands out and I waited for the other girl to take them. She stared back at me and suddenly I realized he was reaching towards me. For once, I didn't stop to analyze what every gesture meant as I took his hands. My victorious grin melted into a smile of blissful happiness as we approached the floor and had our very first dance together.
In contrast to the earlier dance with boy #2, the conversation was not awkward at all. We were able to both talk comfortably and be silent comfortably. It had been a long time since I hadn't felt like every word I spoke was being weighed and judged. The song was over much too soon, but Jeff held my hand and we continued through the next song. I said my second prayer of the night, this time that the DJ would ONLY play slow songs the rest of the night.
To my dismay, the next song had a quicker beat so I reluctantly let go of Jeff's hand. The rest of the night we ebbed and flowed towards and away from each other. As the night began to wind down, I found myself dancing with him again. All thoughts of boy #2 were gone. I let my head rest on his shoulder, letting him know that I was ready to give us a shot.
All he had to do was take the bait.
We went to dinner with some friends and then made our way to the stake center that would host the dance. We arrived early because my roommate was chair of the activities committee and we had been volunteered to help decorate. As we hung streamers and laid out refreshments, I kept a watch on the door, waiting for someone of interest to arrive.
Just as the lights dimmed and the music started playing, I saw boy #2 walk in. I waved and he waved back. Pretending I didn't care one way or another whether he came my way, I turned back to the dance floor and tried to look as coordinated as possible. A few minutes later, the first slow song came through the speakers and I heard his voice behind me. My hands felt clammy and I hoped he wouldn't notice my face starting to glisten as we picked a spot near the center of the cultural hall.
Awkward small talk ensued as we slowly paced back and forth to some cheesy ballad. I studied his movements, trying to tell if he was being nice to me out of friendship, sympathy, or real interest. It was difficult to say, especially since I didn't even know my own feelings towards him. Was I really interested in him as a person? Or was I merely falling prey to the attention? Before I knew it, the song was over and I was left alone on the dance floor with only my mixed up emotions as company.
I scanned the crowd for a familiar face. I hated standing alone in the middle of couples dancing. It seemed everyone I knew was partnered up, so I began the long walk towards the chairs lining the wall. I took a seat and tried not to look like the pathetic, lonely wall flower that I was. It was then, in this state of self-conscious anxiety, that I saw him. He was dressed in tight jeans, a striped button-down shirt, a black ten-gallon hat, and a large, shiny, brass belt buckle. Yep, Jeff was a cowboy.
His two roommates were also decked out in Western garb. They stood just beside him across the room from me. I started to smile but ended up scowling instead as I noticed the fourth member of their group. Did he really bring a girl with him? The nerve! He can't possibly be dating anyone since he just took me out LAST WEEK. Which means she is either just a friend or his new interest, both of which are entirely inappropriate to bring to OUR ward party. My doubts from earlier that week resurfaced as I watched Jeff interact with the new girl. He grabbed her hand and they began dancing even though the song was halfway over. I closed my eyes and prayed this DJ was one of those who never played more than two slow songs back to back.
The song ended and I watched as Jeff and his friend walked my way.
Oh heavens, please spare me.
"Hi Carly. I didn't see you sitting over here."
Sure you didn't.
"Hey Jeff. Yup, I've just been waiting for these lame slow songs to end so we can really get this party started."
I can't believe I just said that. He's going to see straight through me. I'm going to go crawl in a hole now.
As if things couldn't get worse, Jeff then introduced his friend to me. The girl. Turns out he knew her from high school. I put on my sweetest sugary smile.
"Hi! It's nice to meet one of Jeff's old friends. He hasn't told me much about what he was like before his mission. Maybe you can fill me in..."
That's right. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
The girl and I ended up spending a good fifteen minutes sitting against the wall, getting to know one another. If she hadn't been the competition, I probably would have liked her. She was friendly and personable. I could see why Jeff was friends with her. And why he maybe wanted her to be something more.
As we were sitting there, I spotted Jeff coming back towards us. I felt my stomach do a belly flop and goosebumps run up and down my arms.
"Hey girls. Having fun?"
"You betcha!" I replied, a little too enthusiastically.
"Good. Well, I think it's time you take a break from sitting." He put his hands out and I waited for the other girl to take them. She stared back at me and suddenly I realized he was reaching towards me. For once, I didn't stop to analyze what every gesture meant as I took his hands. My victorious grin melted into a smile of blissful happiness as we approached the floor and had our very first dance together.
In contrast to the earlier dance with boy #2, the conversation was not awkward at all. We were able to both talk comfortably and be silent comfortably. It had been a long time since I hadn't felt like every word I spoke was being weighed and judged. The song was over much too soon, but Jeff held my hand and we continued through the next song. I said my second prayer of the night, this time that the DJ would ONLY play slow songs the rest of the night.
To my dismay, the next song had a quicker beat so I reluctantly let go of Jeff's hand. The rest of the night we ebbed and flowed towards and away from each other. As the night began to wind down, I found myself dancing with him again. All thoughts of boy #2 were gone. I let my head rest on his shoulder, letting him know that I was ready to give us a shot.
All he had to do was take the bait.
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