Tuesday, March 17, 2009

You Gotta Have Faith

After I finished ranting in my journal, I put my pen down and lay down on my bed. With my eyes closed, I felt a tear escape and run down my face. I hated being so confused and indecisive. If this is what dating and courtship entailed, I wasn't sure I wanted it. Not yet, anyway. I tried to remember how I felt before I met Jeff. Was I happy then? Was I happy now? I didn't know what I was. There were definitely times when I was happy. And even at my most conflicted moments, I wouldn't say I was unhappy. I wondered how I would feel if things ended with Jeff. Just the thought of it put my stomach in knots. It would be horrible.... at first. But would I recover, eventually? There was only one way to find out.

I decided it was time to propose a "break." Though I, myself, had never been on a break before, I'd seen it plenty of times on TV and in the movies. It had ruined Ross and Rachel's relationship, but it just might save mine. I had heard once that you don't marry the one you can live with, you marry the one you can't live without. I needed to know that I couldn't live without Jeff. The more I thought about this idea, the more peace and calm I felt. It had been so long since I had felt that way, and I was relieved to finally have a plan in place. When I met up with Jeff tomorrow, I would propose a break. It might only be for a week, but maybe longer. I just knew that I needed some time alone.

. . .

The next evening we spent with Jeff's sister and her family who were visiting from out of town. It was a fun evening and I tried not to ruin it by dwelling on the upcoming talk I would be initiating. We left earlier than usual and I wondered if I would have the courage to carry my plan through. We drove in silence while I frantically searched for the right words to say. Instead of taking me to my apartment, we drove to one of our favorite spots to sit and talk. He pulled over and muted the music, and it occurred to me that I might not be the only one with an agenda for tonight's conversation.

With a sigh of relief, I decided to let him begin. It would be much easier to voice my thoughts after he said his mind. For nearly five minutes he sputtered and mumbled without making much sense. I smiled empathetically; I knew exactly how he felt. Once he finally started talking in full sentences, everything came out in a flood. He told me that he had been as confused and unsure about committing to eternity as I was. There were even times he'd wanted to give up. But he also spoke of what he wants his marriage to be and how he has so much optimism for his marriage and for his wife.

I listened to everything he said, absorbing it all and waiting. When he finished, he sat back and put his hands behind his head. Slowly he turned and looked at me. "What are you thinking?" he asked.

I exhaled. Then I inhaled. And then I confessed. I explained that I didn't know how I was supposed to feel and how I wished someone would make this decision for me.

"You know," Jeff broke in, "this is really a matter of faith."
"Faith?" I echoed.
"Yes. We have to have complete faith in our relationship, or else doubt will creep in. I know Heavenly Father has confidence in you. He knows that you can and will make the right decision."

He paused while I let his words settle. I had never though about having faith is us. Maybe all my problems were just a lack of faith.

"You know," Jeff began again, "anything that is founded in Christ cannot fail. So maybe if we base our relationship in Christ, and use him for direction and guidance, then our doubts and uncertainties will fade away. Again, it all comes down to faith. The adversary will try to make us question things we once felt sure of, but where faith is, doubt cannot exist."

"I'm not sure I can have that much faith without your help," I explained. "It seems that whenever we decide to just 'wait and see,' I always end up confused and lost. We need to have a plan; something to work at or work towards. Something that I can have faith in."

I thought I had created the perfect build up to presenting my "break" plan. But Jeff proposed an entirely different plan before I could get two words out:

"Why don't we act as though we are going to get married." My head shot to the left as he spoke.

"W..w..what?"

"We'll treat our relationship as though we are working towards marriage-- like we're engaged. And we'll have faith that we are going to succeed."

I waited for the sinking feeling, for the despair and turmoil that I usually felt when the M-word was used. But it didn't come. Instead I felt happy... and calm... and peaceful... and excited all at the same time. I knew this was something that I could have faith in and really want to succeed.

"Ok. I... think... that... might... work." I spoke slowly and thoughtfully, smiling at the turn of events. "You want to know something funny? I was going to propose we take a break tonight."

"Oh gosh, it's a little early to put that kind of pressure on a break, don't you think?"

I chuckled, wondering if Jeff realized he had just suggested we pretend to be ENGAGED.

"Oh yeah. Definitely too early."


Sunday, March 1, 2009

Confused and conflicted

The next morning I woke up feeling more refreshed and carefree than I had in months. It was one of those mornings when everything seemed extra bright and cheerful. Even the birds seemed to be less obnoxious and more surreal. I got dressed extra early and spent the hour before church documenting the previous day's travelogue in my journal. When Jeff came to pick me up, I practically skipped to his car. I almost expected the strangers driving past us on the road to break into spontaneous song about how wonderful it is to be in love.

We drove to Jeff's hometown to attend his friend's mission homecoming, after which we dashed over to Jeff's parents' ward so he could speak with them in their Sacrament meeting. The afternoon was spent at his parents' house, basking in the Sabbath sun and enjoying being with good company. Eventually the combination of warmth and full stomachs took it's toll as we lay on the floor to take a quick nap. True to his character, Jeff fell asleep within minutes. I, on the other hand, lay there quietly for a while, thinking about how nice it felt to lie in Jeff's arms. I felt safe and protected and loved. I reflected on some of my favorite memories over the past few months: long talks in his car, afternoons studying together in my living room, late night walks holding hands.

Suddenly, without any warning, a thought popped into my head: I wanted to marry Jeff! I could feel my throat tighten and my eyes water as I let the thought linger for a moment. I recognized this feeling: it was the same feeling I got when I felt the love and concern of my Heavenly Father. Was this the confirmation I had been hoping for? Was this the Spirit telling me to stop fighting the love for Jeff that was growing inside of me? I didn't know exactly what it all meant, but I knew this was good. I wouldn't feel this way if I was on the wrong track.

I decided not to tell Jeff just yet. I wanted to keep this to myself for a few days, just to be sure it was real. But I was dying to tell him. I couldn't wait to see the smile on his face when I told him I was ready to consider marriage. I couldn't help but smile just thinking about it. His happiness was now my happiness.

. . .

Five days later, I wrote the following in my journal:

I can't seem to figure things out with Jeff. Last week I thought I had finally figured it out. I had stopped writing to [the missionary] and essentially stopped thinking about him. For the first time since we have been dating, I honestly believed that I could and would marry Jeff. It felt right and I had the desire to be with him. It felt wonderful. I told him how I felt, and he seemed happy. But I could tell he was a bit reserved, and suddenly I felt desperate that I might lose him. Tonight I found out why he held back.

This week I talked to my mom and she told me to make sure I hadn't just learned to love Jeff. At first I was bitter that she would suggest such a thing, but then I began to wonder if it were true. Now I am back where I started - afraid to commit, afraid to break up, afraid to give what I have.

Tonight he asked if things were still getting better. "They have to be getting better or else this will never last," he told me. I admitted to him that I'm still trying to figure things out and he laughed shortly because he would be very surprise if I had figured everything out. I apologized for being so indecisive and changing my mind so often. He said, "I've learned not to take anything you say at face value." So that is why he wasn't as happy as I expected at my announcement last week. I wish I could mean everything I say, but I can't. I feel awful that he has to put up with me.

I love Jeff, I really do. It is hard for me to think of living without him. In him I see the ideal father for my children. I love his family. So why don't I feel that burning desire to be with him? I want to... I really do, but I just can't. I feel as though I am in a dream world and that I don't know how to get out of it. I need someone to take the blinders off and either show my what I've got or what I'm missing. I wish I had some answers.