Confused and conflicted

The next morning I woke up feeling more refreshed and carefree than I had in months. It was one of those mornings when everything seemed extra bright and cheerful. Even the birds seemed to be less obnoxious and more surreal. I got dressed extra early and spent the hour before church documenting the previous day's travelogue in my journal. When Jeff came to pick me up, I practically skipped to his car. I almost expected the strangers driving past us on the road to break into spontaneous song about how wonderful it is to be in love.

We drove to Jeff's hometown to attend his friend's mission homecoming, after which we dashed over to Jeff's parents' ward so he could speak with them in their Sacrament meeting. The afternoon was spent at his parents' house, basking in the Sabbath sun and enjoying being with good company. Eventually the combination of warmth and full stomachs took it's toll as we lay on the floor to take a quick nap. True to his character, Jeff fell asleep within minutes. I, on the other hand, lay there quietly for a while, thinking about how nice it felt to lie in Jeff's arms. I felt safe and protected and loved. I reflected on some of my favorite memories over the past few months: long talks in his car, afternoons studying together in my living room, late night walks holding hands.

Suddenly, without any warning, a thought popped into my head: I wanted to marry Jeff! I could feel my throat tighten and my eyes water as I let the thought linger for a moment. I recognized this feeling: it was the same feeling I got when I felt the love and concern of my Heavenly Father. Was this the confirmation I had been hoping for? Was this the Spirit telling me to stop fighting the love for Jeff that was growing inside of me? I didn't know exactly what it all meant, but I knew this was good. I wouldn't feel this way if I was on the wrong track.

I decided not to tell Jeff just yet. I wanted to keep this to myself for a few days, just to be sure it was real. But I was dying to tell him. I couldn't wait to see the smile on his face when I told him I was ready to consider marriage. I couldn't help but smile just thinking about it. His happiness was now my happiness.

. . .

Five days later, I wrote the following in my journal:

I can't seem to figure things out with Jeff. Last week I thought I had finally figured it out. I had stopped writing to [the missionary] and essentially stopped thinking about him. For the first time since we have been dating, I honestly believed that I could and would marry Jeff. It felt right and I had the desire to be with him. It felt wonderful. I told him how I felt, and he seemed happy. But I could tell he was a bit reserved, and suddenly I felt desperate that I might lose him. Tonight I found out why he held back.

This week I talked to my mom and she told me to make sure I hadn't just learned to love Jeff. At first I was bitter that she would suggest such a thing, but then I began to wonder if it were true. Now I am back where I started - afraid to commit, afraid to break up, afraid to give what I have.

Tonight he asked if things were still getting better. "They have to be getting better or else this will never last," he told me. I admitted to him that I'm still trying to figure things out and he laughed shortly because he would be very surprise if I had figured everything out. I apologized for being so indecisive and changing my mind so often. He said, "I've learned not to take anything you say at face value." So that is why he wasn't as happy as I expected at my announcement last week. I wish I could mean everything I say, but I can't. I feel awful that he has to put up with me.

I love Jeff, I really do. It is hard for me to think of living without him. In him I see the ideal father for my children. I love his family. So why don't I feel that burning desire to be with him? I want to... I really do, but I just can't. I feel as though I am in a dream world and that I don't know how to get out of it. I need someone to take the blinders off and either show my what I've got or what I'm missing. I wish I had some answers.